More stellar love advice for the lonely-hearted! (Artificially Flavored)
Looking for love in several wrong places? Well, look no further, internet strangers, for I have compiled a list of suggestions for how to get the masses fawning all over you. Too short? Too fat? Too ugly? Or not ugly enough? (Who wants perfection anyway?) It doesn’t matter! All you need are your natural charms to get what you’re so desperately looking for and get them all saying: “(your name here), he’s so hot right now.”
- Fighting games FTW! Take a page out of the strategy for fighting games. Part of the appeal of these games is having to use different strategies based on which character you choose to play and who your opponent is. Of course, in real life you always play yourself, though like an RPG, you can work to improve certain stats so that you’re more of the kind of character you’d like to be. What’s important to take away from here is that you should know who you’re going after to determine your strategy. If you start discussing how different science fiction shows have handled space travel and they bring up the leviathans of Farscape, you’re good to continue, but if their eyes start to glaze over at the mere mention of the speed of light, it may be best to move onto another topic.
- “I work out.” Nothing says ‘look at me’ more than flexing a few muscles. And let me tell you, that’s exactly what women are looking for. Never mind his sordid history in real life, have you seen Robert Downey Jr. sans shirt? But don’t just show them off, be sure to talk about how often you’re at the gym . . . especially while you’re at the gym (you do go, don’t you?). Think the women are there to work out? Think again; they’d like nothing more than to have you ask them on a date. Show them what you workin’ with!
- High scores in video games? How about high scores in LIFE! Sure, you could talk about your no-death run of Contra, but if you’re not necessarily looking to attract a gamer, speak to your more tangible, mainstream achievements. What was your SAT score? Have you ever successfully made a soufflé? How many times have you been arrested? Take your pick, just be sure that the topics you emphasize are appropriate to your chosen audience (as discussed in the first point). And if you’re not looking for anything long-term, don’t be afraid to exaggerate a little (they’ll never know)!
- Give them ye olde ‘cold shoulder’. Nothing makes a potential mate more intrigued by you than completely ignoring them. Why put in the effort of making conversation with someone when you can make them come to you? There’s nothing more hot than a person of mystery: superheroes, spies, druglords . . . The less attention you give someone, the more they want to make the effort to get to you. And even if you two do start talking, be sure to keep it short and nonchalant. Requires minimal effort!
- Debt, schmebt. Nothing can get the attention of others quicker than throwing money around. (I’m speaking figuratively here, but literally will work too.) Buy the whole bar a round of drinks and see how many people come up to you just to say thanks. If you survey the crowd beforehand, you’ll know who you want to say more than ‘you’re welcome’ to. Not loaded cash-wise? Try a personal loan from your bank! Or those slightly shifty payday loan places. Because nothing beats financial stability like the possibility of sex!
Now with your head packed with this knowledge and advice, go out into the world, my readers, and sow your wild oats! Take advantage of every situation you can and deceive as necessary. Or . . . you know, you could always just try being yourself (in case that hadn’t already occurred to you).