Some (mostly) helpful advice for gamers dealing with those too young to game themselves.


Gaming is a hobby that takes up time. That means you have to make the time to put time into it, because not all of us can be unemployed, living in someone’s basement. Even if they’re not yours, or maybe you’re just not sure, living with kids can cramp your video gaming style. Until they reach the age where they can develop this obsession on their own, you have to find a way to work around them. Kids certainly don’t like being ignored for four hours while you grind to the next level, so you have to find something for them to do. Here’s some advice for how to feed your gaming needs when you’ve got little ones running around.

All he’s missing is a drink and snacks.

  1. Have them get things for you. This is the ultimate for a lazy person. I’ve heard it again and again from parents that children were meant to fetch for adults (I assume so that they don’t have to bother getting up off the couch). Well, it’s time to put that theory to the test. Here are some commands you can try:
    • Grab me the controller.
      • The white one with the two gun triggers on back and little suction cup sticks on top.
    • Get me some Mountain Dew.
      • Can’t you spell?! M-t-n spells ‘mountain’.
    • Make me a sandwich.
      • Sudo make me a sandwich. (Effectiveness depending on the child’s Linux compatibility.)

    Now pat yourself on the back for doing your part to fight childhood obesity.

  2. Loud kid is loud.

  3. Use them to annoy others during multiplayer first person shooter. If you’ve had enough of immature pre-teens shouting obscenities and very un-PC things at you, why not give them a taste of their own medicine and have an even more (physically) immature child scream at them? Sure, it may not solve the problem at large, but at least you’ll have a little fun. Ha! I can just see their little 11-year-old cheeks getting rosy with rage. Loud noises!

  4. He’d better not drop it!

  5. Use them as a dummy player. I’m not very good at fighters, so it often takes me a lot of time to get moves down. Even though I can often work my way through the practice levels for a character, hell if I remember the convoluted sequence of buttons to do it again. That’s where the kid comes in. Hand them the other controller to keep them occupied while you K.O. to your liking… just don’t tell anyone if the tables turn and their random button mashing ends up kicking your ass. (I most certainly have not had this very experience with cats…)

  6. There are some who should never have a microphone.

  7. Just let them play with you. If the child’s behaved well enough despite the crap you’ve put them through so far, why not throw them a proverbial bone (parents tend not to like their offspring gnawing on real animal parts) and give them an actual chance to participate in a game.

    Need a suggestion? Try any of the dozens of music games out there. Kids seem to instinctively know what to do with a microphone and some may even be able to emulate your motions on a guitar. But be sure to play on ‘no fail’ mode because nobody wants to see a drumstick in the tv because of the youngest generation’s inability to jam to Stone Temple Pilots’ “Plush”. I can only save you so many times!

  8. With stealth comes patience.

  9. WAIT UNTIL THEY GO TO BED! This is guaranteed to be foolproof. All you need is some patience. Kids are a pain in the butt, so rather than getting angry at them every time they walk in front of the tv, just get up and take them outside to play. At least give them a fighting chance against the squinty-eyed, easily-sunburned physical traits that some gamers have. Snake won’t mind. He can wait for you to come back after dark. That’s sort of his thing.

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