Though what I don’t like is that when I venture out of my TV viewing normality (Fox News, AMC, Discovery Channel, that one channel where the fat, bald guy eats bull parts meant for procreation), every single TV channel’s line up is full of the Christmas specials (or “Holiday Specials”, because we are forced have to be politically correct).
Granted, I love some Christmas specials, what I don’t like is that some of them are so formulaic that I swear the writers have to follow some FCC guideline or the channel’s license will be revoked.
“Sorry Billy, doesn’t look like there’s gonna be a Christmas this year….but wait!”
~Jon Stewart (when he was funny)
And since Google and Bing showed up nothing about pointing out the the common traits of Christmas specials, I decided to let my overthinking mind take on this task and inform the general public who read my articles about the annoying traits that these specials do.
1. Santa Always Seems to Get in Trouble/Kidnapped
Seems like everyone out there has tried to capture Santa Claus for some reason.
I just hope we don’t see a Big Lebowski Christmas Special and find one of Santa’s toes in an envelope.
Think about it. In all the Christmas specials/movies/forms of media, Santa gets kidnapped by martians, Skeletor, the Iraqi army, Jack Skellington, Dr. Robotnik and so many others, I wouldn’t be surprised if Bowser whisked him away in his Koopa Clown Car because he was easier to capture…..GODDAMNIT! THAT ALREADY HAPPENED!
Seriously Santa, if you’re getting captured that many times much, I think it might be time you start carrying a Glock 22 underneath those robes of yours. Even Princess Peach got tired of it all and started fighting back her captors.
2. The Protagonists Wait for the Last Second to Go Christmas Shopping
This American classic has taught us that you should never procrastinate on your holiday shopping
…and that Arnold’s career can sink as low as the levels of Sinbad.
● Completely nearly all my Christmas shopping
● Sent out all my Christmas gifts and cards
● Save so money by braving the Holiday shopping chaos, it matches Rosie O’Donnell’s cupcake budget
● Learned how to tank for my League of Legends Team
● Being the Tank Healer for my World of Warcraft Guild
● Learned several new baking recipes for the Holiday Season
All while holding down two jobs.
Yet, the people in these Holiday specials are so absent minded that they forget to shop for Christmas? And don’t give me that excuse that they were so busy with work that they forgot. You have 29 days! Would it really hurt them to take a detour to a Kohl’s on their way home from work? Apparently, for people like Arnold Schwarzenegger and (Justice_League) >the Flash, it was too hard of a task.
Sheesh. Talk about taking the saying “You had one job” to the extreme.
3. Evil Scrooge-Like Person Makes a Total 180 and Becomes the Eva Peron of Christmas
Eight Crazy Nights is the reason why I’m a Scrooge around this time of year.
Not because I’m a cynical asshole….I just want my eight bucks I spent seeing this movie back in 2002.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the people in specials do. Somehow they see one person who is grouchy around Christmas and they make it their life’s goal to make that guy smile and get into the holiday spirit. And all the time, they succeed. But, would this happen in real life? No!
Think about why they are grouchy. When you’re trying to avoid the faux-cheery people of this season, pushy sales-people who want to be your friend (and have you sign up for a Target credit card so you can save 15 cents today by acquiring $2000 worth of debt) and you’re bombarded with overly-sugarly holiday music that makes you wish for the sweet release of death…you’d be grouchy and pissed as well.
And while we’re on the subject, why is it that we bash the rich people in Christmas specials? They always make them out to be this evil-than-the-devil white male whose spare time activity is drowning bunnies and squirrels in barrels of bleach. Then in the end of the special, he’s giving money out like samples of Tide and in-the-mail coupons for half-off breadsticks at the Olive Garden.
“Hey! Forget that I likely threw all of my company’s payroll to complete strangers!
Who needs payroll when I have Christmas cheer?! I’m sure my employees won’t mind!”
4. Christmas Isn’t About Presents, Charlie Brown (reality: it kinda is, sadly)
Who needs a PS4, when I have friends….oh wait…FRIENDS CAN HELP ME PLAY KILLZONE!
See, Christmas is also a time of giving, and giving presents is its symbol. I find my way of showing appreciation for my fellow man is to give him or her something they’d love or cherish. When I see these holiday specials, there’s that common theme where something happens to the presents (like they get destroyed or stolen or eaten by a chupacabra) and the family in the end comes to the conclusion “as long as we have each other, we don’t need presents”.
That wouldn’t go well in the real world. See, if December 25th rolled by and some sleazeball stole a family’s gifts…well that family is going to be sitting around the fireplace hugging each other and saying some kind of hippie-commune like crap. They’d likely be out for blood and vigilante justice. I mean if last year, if my 3DS was taken away before I could play it….let’s just say I’d likely recreate the holiday version of “Taken” with me taking the role of Liam Neeson
5. The Least-Expected Shows Have the Most Insane Christmas Specials
Let’s move onto another Holiday Special subject that will likely wreck your childhood
(as if reading this article hasn’t done enough damage).
We all know about the Star Wars Holiday Special. And when I say “Holiday” they used a very liberal translation of the term. It wasn’t even about our Holiday, it was about the Wookie holiday “Life Day”. And how did they celebrate it? With Bea Arthur, Jefferson Starship, and Art Carney. This holiday special was so horrible, that even George Lucas (serial abuser of retconning Star Wars) disavows any connection to it. (Thankfully the folks at Rifftrax made this special to be pleasantly viewable). .
Nothing says “Power Rangers Christmas” like a spastic robot singing you “O Holy Night”.
You get basically 20-minutes of Alpha the Robot singing Christmas carols with children. As if hearing Christmas carols on repeat wasn’t bad enough, you get an off-key robot singing it to you! And since I’m on a roll here, what’s with Zordon transporting total strangers to the Command Center? Wasn’t the Command Center suppose to be a secret to everyone except the rangers, Zordon, and Alpha? For a wise old man, Zordon, you sure don’t care about security around the Holiday season.
And let’s top it all off, this past year, Lady Gaga did a Christmas special with the MUPPETS! The MUPPETS! I thought it was bad enough to see the Muppets on WWE…but making a Holiday Special with a woman who gets dress ideas from the crack addicts behind the Big Lots dumpster….well I’m so amazed at the concept of it…I likely need to invent a new language so I can find the right kind of curse words to match the insanity inside my head.
Anyway, you probably had enough of this bitter old overthinker complaining about Christmas specials. But I will leave you with some happy thoughts. Despite what I said, I do like these holidays specials at certain times. I especially like the ones that try not to adapt to these grievances I previously mentioned. Which is why one of my favorite Christmas specials is “A Christmas Story”. There was disappointment, a child’s introduction to cursing, and how my own people sing “Deck the Halls”. But also, there was happiness in the end. I also liked a Garfield Christmas too…don’t know what it was…but it always made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Anyway, don’t overthink on the Holidays, especially when it comes to Christmas/Holiday Specials. That’s my job.